Being the measurement of stockings

If the following obfuscations befuddle, bring yourself here, where perplexity turns to precision.

Imitation is the truest form of flattery, they say? I think not. In this case, imitation is the truest form of inanity, a crazy allusion to a bizarrely simple movie title. Surely it can’t be "socks on a scale," surely it must be more than that!

No, no, no, it must be more like this: "stockings on a device that measures how much weight a thing has when it's attached to the lower extremity of the limbs with which one walks!" Can you not hear the susurrations of the crowds, asserting the indignity of such a puerile designation as "socks on a scale?" How quotidian!

Certainly the artistic genius of such a production requires a greater appellation than such simple words would permit. Certainly the promoters of this presentation are aware that such a lack of verbosity, such a single-minded devotion to literary simplicity as conveyed by the title "socks on a scale," will never attract the attention of the masses to this magnificent enterprise! Without a doubt, the average viewer of such a phenomenon will eschew to have her presence recorded at this fabrication, unless it employs a more resourceful use of the English language!

No, my fair friends, we will not disappoint, and without further ado, I present to you the grand appearance of…

"Socks on a Scale! Being the measurement of stockings on a device which determines the degree to which one may, or may not, be heavier than the other, in which it is found that indeed, one set of stockings does possess greater heaviness than its partner, to whom we must assign, after all, significantly less substance"

Shocking in appearance, delightful in visage, stunning in complexity! The wonders revealed by these devices will astound and delight all ages! For one pair of stockings does not possess the same heaviness as the other! Why is this! Could it be that the curvaceous curlicues of intertwining cables cause the creation of increased substance? Could it be that the comparatively smooth, silken surface (though still composed of wool and nylon) of the rightmost sock nonetheless lacks the bulk, the substance, the sheer compilation of yarn as its leftwards neighbor? I must confess that this, indeed and without a doubt, appears to be the appropriate conclusion.

Stay tuned for "Socks on a Scale II, being the measurement of each sock, to determine whether or not that designated for one foot weighs more or less than its mate which has been designated for the other foot, in which it shall be admitted that this goal is not ideal, and that the perfect outcome would result in socks of very nearly the same weight..." Coming soon to a blog post near you!

With that, I bid you a fantastic fibery weekend!